Becoming . . . What, Exactly?

Thomas Nelson's new BibleZines

In my day job, I see just about every religion book that’s published.  I have come to believe that these fall into four basic categories:

1. Truly excellent, unique, memorably written books that make the reader look at the world in a wholly new way.  The type 1 book is exceedingly rare.  Every author thinks he or she has written one, but almost no one ever does.  I’d put the stat at about one to two percent of the books that I see.
2. Basically worthy books that fall into an established, recognizable genre or category but add one or two new insights to that category.  This is about a quarter of the books that cross my desk.  I’m always happy to see them.
3. Derivative, commonplace, ordinary books about perennially overpublished topics.  This category constitutes the vast majority of books that are published—more than seventy percent.  Most of these books are a sad, sad waste of trees.
4. Books for Which We Will Answer at the Dreadful Seat of Judgment.  Like Type 1 books, Type 4 books are extremely rare – less than one percent, I’m guessing. But they are very special.  These are books that are so pernicious that their authors, publishers, and readers may actually have to account for them at the pearly gates. 

And, glory be, I think I’ve found one!

So please go out to your local bookstore to gawk at Becoming and Align, the two newest installments in Thomas Nelson’s BibleZine line.  Don’t actually buy the Zines, or the publisher may continue to jeopardize its employees’ eternal salvation by making more. Some very kind and wonderful people work at Thomas Nelson, and we should be thinking of them.  These good folks are basically at the mercy of you, the fickle book consumer.  Their eternal fate rests on you having better taste than past sales might suggest.

So, what are Becoming and Align?  At first glance, they are intended to look exactly like magazines—they have beautiful models, catchy and utterly self-involved headlines, and glossy pages.  In fact, the half-star I’ve awarded to these Zines is because of their terrific design and layout.  They are wonderful to look at.

But, um, the catch is that this is the Bible you’re lusting over.  These magazines harvest parts of holy scripture (cause no one thinks you’re up for reading the whole enchilada) and mix them up with the most unabashedly self-absorbed aspects of popular culture.  So the top headline of Align, the men’s BibleZine New Testament, screeches “Sexcess: Success with the Opposite Sex!”  If you read the fine print, of course, the Zine does concede that “sexcess” consists of waiting until marriage.  But it’s sure a long and titillating journey to get to that admission, and along the way we have to pass through sidebars on how men can improve their sex lives by bringing their wives presents and letting them take bubble baths while Dad puts the kids to bed.  Now, I’ve no argument with either of those things—men can knock themselves out, as far as I’m concerned.  But this chores-for-sex exchange relates to the New Testament how, exactly?

Some of the BibleZines’ sidebars are so unrelated to, or even contradictory  of, their accompanying biblical content as to be almost funny.  Thus we see a layout with sidebars on how men can use Quicken to better manage their finances and how they can attract women by adopting a pet sitting right alongside Paul’s words to the church at Thessalonica:

When we speak, we are not trying to please people, but God, who tests our hearts.  You know that we never tried to influence you by saying nice things about you.  We were not trying to get your money; we had no selfishness to hide from you. . . We were not looking for human praise, from you or anyone else . . . . (1 Thess 2:4-6; NCV)

This dichotomy points to the larger problem with these BibleZines: they are all about conforming to, and succeeding in, the culture in which we find ourselves.  The fact that it is a broken, materialistic, sex-crazed, celebrity-obsessed land ridden with Affluenza does not seem to matter.  The Bible can help us be more of everything this world values: more attractive, more successful, more prosperous.  So what if these values contradict much of what the New Testament actually says?

The biblical print is literally “fine print”—you have to strain your eyes to read it, and it appears as stark, traditional black text on white background.  When you contrast that to the dizzying array of colors, fonts, and graphics that are used to enhance the sidebars, you really begin to wonder which text the editors consider more important.  The Bible here is used as the don’t-blink-or-you’ll-miss-it background to the more exciting and “culturally relevant” material of the juicy sidebars. 

The women’s Zines are as bad as the men’s, or possibly worse.  Because while the men’s advice at least grants men the agency to pursue their success-driven agenda, women’s concerns seem, apparently, to revolve around being considered pretty and well-liked by others.  There are fitness tips in the men’s magazine, but the women’s materials (on the NT and also the wisdom lit of the OT) are practically obsessed with looking good.  There are sidebars on lipstick, teeth whitening (ludicrously tied to the verse from Ecclesiastes about there being a time for silence—would that such advice had been heeded), hair styles, and hiding skin blemishes.  The editors include the “fun fact” that more than 8.7 million people had cosmetic surgery in 2003, up a third from the previous year.  Another fun fact reminds us that 80% of women are dissatisfied with their appearance.  With Bibles like these, it's little wonder.

The women’s Zines come with quizzes (“are you overcommitted? Are you a savvy shopper? Is he a player?”), while the men have apparently been spared such glib self-reflection.  Basically, the women’s advice centers around beauty and relationships, including etiquette tips for pleasing others (being a good hostess, writing a lovely thank-you note), while the men’s advice is geared toward career success, financial prosperity, changing the world, overcoming sexual temptation, and weighing the pros and cons of various nifty gadgets.  (The “Tech Support” sidebar on home networking, I kid you not, comes smack dab in the middle of Luke’s passion story.  Jesus is hanging on a friggin’ cross, and we’re marveling at “inexpensive wireless routers” that can connect all our computers to the same hub.  Thank you, Jesus!)

All of the Zines come with a monthly calendar, Martha Stewart style.  In addition to happy little recommendations about nice things we can do to improve ourselves still further, like lifting weights and eating a salad with dinner, we’re encouraged to pray often . . . for celebrities.  I know you’ll feel your day isn’t complete today unless you pray for Meg Ryan, because apparently this is her birthday.  And here’s what you can get for the actress who has everything: the BibleZines include loads of recommendations for books that are supposed to help readers in their Christian journey.  And . . .gee!  They all, by coincidence, happen to be other Thomas Nelson products! 

So, while you’re out there today, walking your Christian walk, praying for Meg, enjoying wireless interconnectivity, covering your facial blemishes, and contemplating how plastic surgery might make you a better ambassador for Christ, be sure to thank the Lord for BibleZines.  Suggested marketing tagline: You don’t have to change the culture; just let the culture change you.

Comments

[lisa]

Jana, you are so right. These "bibles" are the limit in just how far one can trivialize the scriptures. Horrendous is putting it mildly.

Great blog! Thanks for adding your voice to the conversation!

[BJ]

Enjoying your blog--a lot! Thanks for your clarity of vision, your insight, regarding these...publications.

BJ

[Mick Silva]

Can I get an amen? Keep reserving that right to remain intollerant, Jana. You've got allies.

[Robin]

Hi, Janna. I'm thankful for the link that was posted by Lisa Samson so that I could read your review of these Zines. As someone who is participating in the challenge to read the Bible in 90 Days, I was lamenting this morning on my blog about the number of professing Christians who have never read the entire Bible, cover to cover. And now I see this. It breaks my heart.

[Katy Raymond]

Jana--Someone needs to say it. Thanks for being the one, and please let us join you. In a similar vein, a wanna-be-mega church in Kansas City recently ran an ad in the newspaper for their singles Bible study. It shows a couple of beautiful 30-somethings, with the teaser: "The Bible: What's In It For You?" Yikes!

[Alison Strobel Morrow]

You are right on the money, Jana. The first time I saw one of these atrocities I was sure it was a joke. I couldn't believe it was actually supposed to be a Bible. I couldn't bring myself to flip through it--just looking at the cover for more than 2.5 seconds made me feel dirty.

-Alison

[Ron Rienstra]

Jana. Oh. My. Gosh. Haven't laughed so hard in ages. And cried. Thanks for this, and for the blog. Maybe late to the party, but it's great to have you here!

[Andrew Burnett]

This review is gold, Jana. I'm so glad you have a venue for putting some of your off-the-record comments on the record. This is your thing. (I say this recognizing that you do a lot of things very well.)
Makes me wonder if the biblezines are just a microcosm of the general trend in Evangelical publishing, CCM, and maybe if I'm not careful, my own preaching. See--we can make the Bible fun! And it is fun and tragic and gripping and exciting and practical, on its own terms. May dreck like this never cease to shock and dismay us.

[Ken in Atlanta]

Great stuff, Jana, I would have posted earlier but my prayers on behalf of Meg Ryan have been taking all my time. Your thoughts here remind me of how much Harold Bloom hates the Harry Potter books. Apparently some have tried to argue to him that J. K. Rowling's child-friendly juggernauts portend a future of voracious, grown-up readers, but he's having none of that, believing instead that it's all more dumbing-down -- and that Mr. Potter's magical adventures do not and will not in the least whet the appetite for (say) Messrs. Shakespeare or Milton. Hmm, we shall see, I suppose. There is, however, at least the possibility (contra Bloom, by analogy) that these kinds of "Biblezine" publications might do some good, for some. In THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO OPRAH, Marcia Z. Nelson quotes no less an authority than Phyllis Tickle to suggest that Oprah Winfrey's TV show, myriad positive-thinking activities, and general feel-good media ubiquity might serve as a kind of low-key, proto-Christianity for the unevangelized. Oprah does a lot of good in the world, supports some great causes, and alleviates actual suffering here and there -- and she invites her viewers to themselves get involved. Sure, Oprah is easy to mock, but it hardly seems fair to mock her for not doing ENOUGH. She has a platform that reaches tens of millions of people -- and maybe some of her viewers/acolytes will use it as a platform to dive right into a Christian church someday. It could happen. It seems to me as if the same may be true of these culturally-savvy magazines you would seem to, um, disfavor. One of these goofy tracts may be a person's very first exposure to the New Testament (and other profound Christian writings). And, theoretically at least, as a reader matures in his or her desires and understanding, all of that might lead ... eventually ... right to the feet of the Savior. (He does work, you know, in a mysterious way.) So, I would argue that these silling-seeming (or even "outlook-warping") 'zines do not belong in your Category 4. Can anything be truly evil if it's the first step toward accepting salvation?

[Joel Scandrett]

AMEN, sister!!!

[Christopher Fisher]

Jana,

Thanks for this. I saw an ad for Becoming in one of the catalogues I order and read for satire material. It disgusted me.

I grew up in an evangelical church with lots of rules, and finally reading the Bible all the way through was the most liberating experience I've ever had. Though I don't keep my Bible on a shrine with candles and incense, I have a profound respect for the book.

It is a complete wonder to me to see Christians in this country organize to protest gay marriage laws and the death of Terry Schiavo, only to stand by like a bunch of stupid, over-fed cows as the gods of commercialism defile our most sacred Church writings.

[Cory]

Well said! Brava!

I've been reading about Biblezines today, because I've been reading an excellent book by Marva Dawn called Reaching Out Without Dumbing Down. Dawn's book is about worship rather than Biblezines, but many of the principles are the same. In our zeal to gain converts (or to keep Christians interested) through entertainment, we are distorting the Christian message worse than ever.

These Biblezine things are absolutely horrifying, and yet I've often talked to Christian PARENTS who say, "I think they're such a great idea! The kids love 'em!" Yikes...

Thanks for articulating your viewpoint in such an entertaining way.