Hilla-guilt

Today (as all of you may know unless you have been dwelling in an Antarctican cave) is primary day in Ohio, Texas, Rhode Island and Vermont.  After Super Tuesday, when this contest was supposed to be all sewn up one way or the other, journalists don't even have a name for this day.  This morning CNN called it "Crucial Tuesday."  It's Do or Die Tuesday, Now or Never Tuesday, End of the Road Tuesday. Whatever it is, it's important.

Most Ohio voters never dreamed our primary would be meaningful at this late date.  So it's been surprising to come home these past two weeks after being out for just two or three hours and find several messages on my voice mail, all stumping for my vote.  Vote for Hillary's experience!  Vote for Barack's promise of change!  Vote for the Cincinnati public schools and the zoo levy!  I'm surprised the zoo didn't go door to door with dangerous wildlife, so desperate are those folks for this levy to pass.

What these callers don't realize is that I, like record numbers of primary voters, already cast my vote last month.  I knew I would be out of town today and got an absentee ballot.  Which brings me to the Day of Judgment: Yes on the zoo.   (Who can say no to hungry baby pandas?)  Yes--of course!--on the Cincinnati Public Schools.  And yes to that fledgling upstart, Barack Obama.

I would love to tell you that I voted for Obama because his political positions most approximate my own, that his plan to lift the embargo on Cuba is necessary and timely, blah blah blah.  I would love to tell you that after a careful study of the minute differences between his and Clinton's plans for near-universal health care, I sided with his position.  I wish I could tell you that it was because he voted against the Kyle-Lieberman amendment, while Clinton supported it.  But what it boiled down to was charisma, plain and simple.  I like the man.  I'm not heading toward "Obamamania" (and BTW, did you see the hilarious SNL debate sketch a couple of weeks ago?  Too, too funny), but I confess I feel hopeful and optimistic about an Obama presidency.  And at the end of the day, though we are loathe to admit it, most of us vote this way, and justify those gut-reaction ballots later with a political veneer.

The last time I felt this way about a political candidate was 20 years ago, when I was a brand-new voter.  At 18, I signed up to work on the presidential campaign of another Illinois senator, Paul Simon, may his beautiful soul rest in peace.  I adored Paul Simon.  I loved his politics, I loved his counter-cultural bow ties, I loved his passion for the poor.  I loved the fact that he had written books on history, politics, marriage, religion, you name it.  The guy was a true intellectual and a gentleman.  (Which, of course, is why he never had a chance.  Not long after I got the thrill of shaking Sen. Simon's hand at a Boston rally, he dropped out of the race.)

It's wonderful to feel a little hope again.  But this time, my joy is tempered with a strong dose of Hilla-guilt.  I feel terribly sorry for Hillary Clinton, who has worked so hard and done so much for America.  She has survived vilification and betrayal and come out on top, only to see her well-deserved nomination stolen by this rock star who came out of nowhere.  And she'll never have the consolation of being able to say, "It was just about politics."  It's not about politics; it boils down to personality, this year more than ever since her political positions are virtually indistinguishable from her rival's.  The bottom line is that despite being a Wellesley sister and a Democrat, and despite having great respect for her amazing achievements, I preferred someone else.  And I feel incredibly guilty about that.

But Hillary should cheer up.  She's got my husband's vote, so we will happily cancel each other out today.

Comments

[janeannechovy]

Way back before the campaign really got under way, I said that my dream ticket would be Edwards-Obama. Oh well. As much as I *want* to like Sen. Clinton, I just haven't been able to get there (though she was reasonably charming on SNL and on Jon Stewart, the two shows she's appeared on that I actually watch). I didn't realize just how much I don't want her to win until the primary results from Tuesday left me with an anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach. Sen. Obama is pretty awesome (though I still miss Edwards), and I think he has a way better chance of beating McCain in the fall.

Oh, btw, I tagged you for the six-word memoir meme.

[Debra Rienstra]

I respect Hills, too, and have no big animosity against her. I would love to see a woman president. I have had doubts all along about her ability to stick with principles when political expediency leans the other way. But she lost me when she started dissing Obama's rhetorical ability. Start sniffing about how words don't matter, and you are going to lose the loyalty of a person who teaches rhetoric and lives by words. Sorry, Hills. That's precisely the point where I decided to drop the rational analysis and let myself swoon over Obama's oratorical grace. This sounds weird, but I admire his mind. And after what we've been through for the past eight years, that's a significant statement.

[Phyllis Riess]

Well done, both of you!

[Jana]

Yeah, Deb, you're right: a truly sharp mind is a marvelous thing.

Someone asked me recently what qualities I was looking for in a president, and I said, "Well, actually, the bar is pretty low. I would love a candidate who knows how to speak the English language at a sixth-grade level at least, and who has a rudimentary understanding of world geography. That's about all I can hope for." And after the last eight years, even that seemed a lot to ask. But this year we have loads of intelligent candidates--on both sides of the aisle! It actually feels kind of good to be an American again . . . .

JaneAnne, I agree with you that Obama has a better shot at beating McCain, but I still feel rotten for Hillary. It's not really her fault that she is so hated. There are still loads of people in this country who just can't stand a strong woman. Earlier this week I was in the Salt Lake City airport and I overheard a couple berating Hillary and saying that if she wins, they are going to move to Canada. (As if people in Canada are arch-conservative and would welcome them.)

I'm quite glad to see Clinton rally the troops. She's a fighter, that's for sure.